Day-by-While

Lately I have been doing things just for rebellions sake of doing them. I dont know whats come over me. For some odd reason I want people to be upset me. I have been doing some deliberate things just to get certain people to become upset with me. No one thats really close to me in a way. Like I havent done that to Abbey, jamie, jenny, so on and so forth. But other people. Well ok theres one person thats close to me, but thats for a while nother reason. Actually nvm I dont think it is. Anyways, i keep doing little things to see my limits. See how far i can go with this person. I have been backing up at the right moments, but i know eventually im not going to back away enough and im going to be hurt or am going to hurt someone. I dont know what to do. I cant help myself when it comes to doing these little things. Just simple little fights. Or even going against my own personal standards of things. To see if people notice that im not even following my own morality. My own standards of whats right. It feels so weird going against things you believe in just for the sake of doing it. Heh maybe im just going crazy and havent realized it.

I dont feel like me anymore. I dont know whats come over me. I just dont know what to do.


Maybe I should start thinking more before doing. That could be part of the problem. Or maybe even over thinking.


I should start being me again.


Have I been acting weird to you guys?


*sigh*

I think I'm happier in this moment than I have been in a while. Its amazing feeling, happiness. It makes my body tingle and my lips smile. I just feel like spinning in circles like a little girl. I have an amzingly sweet awesome boyfriend that loves me more than anything, and that makes me so incredibly happy. When Im around him my heart just pitter partters. I love the way he holds my hand, i love the thumb wars when we battle for whose thumb goes ontop, i love the way he looks into my eyes before he kisses me, or the way he rubs my belly even though i tell him to stop cuz guys arent suppose to play with a girls chubby tummy, i love how he holds me, how he snuggles next to me when we fall asleep nxt to each other, or when he lets me bite him cuz it doesn't hurt, and most of all I love that hes ticklish. He is so considerate of other people and is amazing when it comes to knowing how to make me smile. Love is such an amazing thing, I don't know how I could live without it.


To add to my happiness, Morgans home. I still swear that every time he comes home its like dads back. heh thanksgiving this year is going to be a good one.


On a different but still enlightening note, We took morgan's dog Jackson to the bark park and he just ran and ran and found other dogs to run with. It was so cute. So when I got back I talked Abbey into taking Jay. It started out kinda bad. We took him to the big dog park, and that scared him a lot. I swear everyone knew he was there because he started howling and howling. it was funny when everyone's head turned to look at jay but then not so funny as he ran away from four dogs that backed him into a corner. There were news people there, but then they left in like 5 minutes. So then we took jay over to the little dog park because this really nice lady took her two beagles over there too for jay to have someone to play with. They finally got comfortable with eachother and they started to play. Finally to get Abbey home we left and they lady left with her two beagles to the big dog park because Im guessing they were comfortable over there. I really want to take spencer because I think he would have a really fun time, but my mom doesn't want to take him just quite yet because she afraid of something, I just can't really tell yet. I think it may be that she afraid he become aggressive? Which I have no clue why he would be, he's never attacked another dog aggressively..Oh well, one of these days he will be able to go to the bark park and enjoy himself.


Wow I doubt a lot of people will read that because not everyone cares :/ lol


Anyways I really need to start working on homework and other things like taking a shower because I could really use a nice shower.

So yea I get to go camping this weekend at enchanted rock, which means I also should be packing right now as well. Even though im leaving for my cousin's house sometime soon for a nice big thanksgiving meal which sounds really yummy. I have been looking forward to this since school let out last week.


Well ill write again some other time I have to go get ready to go my cousins. <3

that pretty much explains it all...:)

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v465/tchpunkjunkie/myticket.jpg[/IMG]


that pretty much explains it all...:)

Andy you made me realize that I have completely neglected my lj..I didnt think anyone actually read it so i jus kinda stopped writing in it. But you have really inspired me to write in it :)


So once again ill do a quick over view of my life.

- Mom's still going through kemo and the whole breast cancer scene.

- So well last yesterday abbey, jamie, and cat stayed the night. Oh and so did doe. Which was really nice cause i got to lay in his arms all night. Sept at like 2:30 in the morning, my mom went into the emergancy room so I went and layed on the couh in the living room waiting for her to come home. And doe n i just cuddled on the couch n fell asleep. Woke up. Had to bake a cake lol. Doe made fun of me because those were the first words out of my mouth. Made me sound like a fatty. I love being around doe. I love that hes ticklish, i love that how considerate he is..Example, Doe had to run by the acura dealership to get his liceanse plates for his new car. So abbey jamie cat n i were in the car while we waited for doe to get his plates and go. So while we waited, he called my phone and asked if any of us wanted something out of the vending machine...It was too sweet..I actually realized that night that every time im with him, i fall even more into love with him. I didnt say in love, cause i dont know what being ''in'' love feels like...

doubt you guys want to hear about that so imma change subjects :)

Football season is over and i dont think we did so well this year even though school spirit was totally up like 75% this year. Everyone came to the games and things, it was really funny to see everyone dress up for spirit week. lol anyways i sound retarded.

I have a wrestling meet im thinking about not wrestling in because my knee has been killing me all week. Ever since grace threw me to the ground and i hyper extended my knee. I weigh 130 and i need to lose like 2 or 3 pounds...I can do that by thursday right? Well that is if i wrestle..I want to wrestle, i really do, but my knee is completely fucking up. blah. decisions decisions.


Well i gotta go call doe n talk to him till i fall asleep :)

It has been all summer since I last updated. And for some reason. I don't care. yea, Ill prolly get back into the swing of things here soon enough when school starts and I'll go on some kind of rambling rampage. but all the same. I have a lot to say, but for now I am too lazy.


cat comes home soon.

That makes me more happy than anything on the face of this planet.

Right about now i am in an internet cafe. and i love this place. It feels so nice to be here. Even though you have to throw in the weather being really really humid and blazing hot sun. And the very little air conditioning. But for some odd reason, I dont miss air conditioning. It rains like everyday, but I dont mind it. (its the rainy season). I am having so much fun here, I have a whole bunch of friends, and I got this guys number (he knows english thankyouverymuch and he is our translator). So far yesterday I passed out medicine and I was having fun cause I am learning spanish as I go along, and Im picking it up pretty well. There is so much I have to say about Nicaragua, because this place is so beautiful and amazing. Sandor (the hottie mchot hot) is so nice and he has the little sideburns that line his face. Which is like major score points and he big full lips! LOL anyways. I guess you could say that Im not anxious to get back. I am for the fact that I miss you guys, but this place is such a nice break away from the city, away from everything that just totally bums you out, yah know? Managua is like New York, but it is the size of Galveston downtown. I have so many pictures, but not with me, or I would definitely be posting them up here. And if I remember right, it is almost time for Shawnie to leave for camp, so if you guys could give her a great humungoginormous hug for me, that would be awesome. Eek Im being eaten by misquitos. But oh well Im going to sit here and type some more because I have so much to say its almost scary.

This keyboard is weird. LoL.

I have come to the conclusion that I will be coming next time to Nicaragua or where ever they go.

Yesterday in the "clinic" from like maybe 10 to 5 we say 85 people and gave them a crap load of prescriptions. Each one of them was so happy to recieve that medicine and the smiles on their faces will be in my memory for ever. There was this one little girl, she said she was 8, I fell in love with her, she is sooo pretty! anyways I think I have to go because We have to get back to the hotel and then we have to go to lunch. I miss you guys so much.



Adios Muchachos


CAT IF YOU COULD LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON IF WE LEAVE THE AFTER I GET BACK OR THE DAY I GET BACK. THEN THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, LOVE YOU GUYS.

Alright so I leave Tomarrow for Nicaragua. I come back the 11th, but then I leave again on the 12th for Paris...................................Texas. And I will be there to I think the 18th or 19th, then on the 19th I get a braces exam with the weird smelly mold stuff. Then on the 29th, They will be off and gone and out of my life!!! WHOOO! Anyways, I have to go finish packing and wish me luck down in Nicaragua.

Oh wait, we got a digital camera for the trip and Im going to be taking lots of pictures, but unfortunately we will have no internet so I will not be able to post my favorites until i get back. And oh man do I get to do a lot of laundry the day we get back. Even though im going to be exaughsted. I can't wait! We leave at Nooon!



To Cat: If I don't get to see you Wed. Before I leave. I miss you already! I can't wait till I see you when we leave for Paris.........Texas. Im so excited! I just can't hide it! Anyways, Im going to go finish packing, I miss you and I can't wait to get to spend a week with you in a dry hot climate instead of a moist damp hot climate. What a trade. Two saunas in three weeks. On another note, I love you to pieces and I will catch up with you on all the details when I get back, oh and you have to tell me how New York was. And how everything went because Im dying to know. Well, I love you, Lotses and Lotses. BYE!!!


To Everyone else: I miss you all. And have a good summer vacation, maybe we can have some kind of huge pool party or something, which would be awesomely cool.

I have procrastinated enough on my packing, I am off. Peace out.

I now weigh 127. I used to be around 147 and in that area. Right now I am wearing a skirt that I never thought would fit me. And now it does, and I am extatic. I dont even care if i spelled that right. You get the point. But anyways, I am hoping to go down to about 119 so I can be in that weight class for wrestling cause apparently the girl in the 129 weight class is like uberly good, and next year it will be my first year in wrestling, and I doubt I will be up [insert catchy phrase].

I have to go finish getting ready for church.

I feel so fab!

I should probably go to bed. But I don't feel like. Well, I do feel like it, but I don't at the same time. I wish I were playing Halo right now. Making new friends. Even though some of them just want to be my friend because I am a girl playing Halo, not because I am good or anything. Even though actually a few didn't know I was a girl, and I still got friend requests. Which was a nice change. Cause when I went to go play with them later, they were all amazed that I was a girl. I enjoy the moments between when I say I am a girl, and when it clicks in their head.


Im failing like 3 classes. Whoopididoo...


If anyone has old clothes and/or are willing to buy a clean set of childrens underwear, please contact me. Or if they have anything to donate to my Nicaragua trip. It would really help and/or change somebody's life.




On a heavier note. I keep dreaming of my father. I wake up crying. I wake up about to scream. He is either a psycho murderer dad who hates me and tries to abuse me, or he is a absent from a never ending Father Daughter dance. That I try to get away from, but as far as I run, there is still more daughters and fathers surrounding me. Asking where my father is. Then when I tell them, "I dont know," or "He isn't here." They laugh and point their finger. I can't go on thinking like this. I just keep running.



"I lost my hope. Could you help me find it?"

So theres this jerk, I dont want to say his name, John! And he just is a playa. 6 gf this year. Jeeze.


Just Kidding John!

(Loser)


((Jking again))


Anyways. *sigh* so yea, has your heart ever felt heavier than the stupidest ankle weights that you have to wear to build tone to get your knee better? Well I dont know if you have, but mine does. I feel so heavy. Not in the fat kind of way. Ever wanted something more than the cookie jar on the counter, that you just cant reach. But eventually you can get it?

I got a lava lamp. It's purple. Reminds me of Mr. Mackadow. LoL. I didnt have him, but he was still pretty cool.

I feel sick again. Didnt want any dinner. I should probably be doing my history project that is due tomarrow. I am almost done, all I have to do is do some stuff with the questions. Yay. PLus I have to type the directions out. Uh oh, that would be a very good one to do. ^-^'



"My hopes are high that one of these days, your kiss will kill me."

"The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. Governor Marc Racicot, RNC chairman, explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're getting screwed."

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So last night I had this weird dream. I was sitting in the auditorium with this random guy who apparently was my boyfriend at the time (in my dream, not andy). We were watching this play about sex and how everyone is addicted to it, and thats all i got from it from what i remember. The chairs were recliners, and i was leaning back. Then the guy who was my bf, rolled ontop of me and started trying to rape me. Then out of no where, this figure came out and punched him in the face. It knocked him against the wall and I was in awe. I just layed there, and the figure went away. Then my bf came back and asked wtf that was all about and then grabbed me and tore me from the audtorium kicking and screaming. No one was coming to my rescue, so i tried fighting back, and i managed to get away, so i took off down the hallway. I slipped around a corner, and he was there again, so i screamed and tried to get away. But he got my by the leg and swung me into a wall that happen to be covered with something sticky? Cause I couldnt move. So I managed to tear free and get away. The shadowy figure grabbed me and hid me in a secret locker type thing. and told me to shush cause i was whimpering.. So then the bf found me again and my shadowy hero was gone, and then i woke up. I was so happy to be awake. Cause I woke up sweaty and hot. :( I hate nightmares... :(

Im so tired

I can't help it, but i dont feel like I act mnyself around Andy anymore. I've been trying to hard lately to please everyody else, everybody. Including those who I barely know, and those who I have known forever.






I should just stop talking in total. Go mute or something.. Haha. Am I kidding myself? Me, mute? LMAO.


Anyways.


I should start being myself again.




Note to a little someone: Stop avoiding me! Please? You know who you are. And I lurve you, so pleeeease talk to me?

Some say you have to hold your hope dear to you, I say give it all away! Its a free country! Sides, if your not usin it, why bother have it? Give it someone who needs it. Or hold it till you do need it. Dont throw it away on stupid things though, and don't gamble it away.


I lost my hope?




Could you help me find it?

I am so sick its not even funny. I don't have a fever or anything, but my stomach huuuurts. I try not to eat cause food looks so disappetizing after you throw it up. Cause everytime I do eat, it come right back up. I hate the thought of food. I hate being sick. I feel like sleeping, but my stomach keeps me awake. Make it stop! :(

Know what my mom asked me cause I feel sick like this?

"Are your boobs soar?"

-and no, they aren't soar-


Which gets me thinking...Hmm...Mommy...Do you think I am pregnant?


Dont get me wrong, but isn't the fact of boobs being soar a sign of pregnancy?


:/

Oh and my mom revealed to me that apparently she didn't want me and Andy to go out for a long time. Hum, she stated as if she would have to me to end it because I am too young or something like that. I was really amazed that she told me something like that. Because that is a big thing to tell your 15 year old daughter...I acted as if I figured and understood what she meant. I understood, but I didnt want to. If you get what I mean... Whoa.


Oh and Morgan is home for a visit, and he brought Jackson, his adorably cute puppy, with him and a vase full of flowers to mom for mothers day. He took off two weeks at school so he could get some dental work done.Neely of course went off in his usual little head rampage. What a suprise. I was so excited to see him. This sounds weird, but I may have said it before..But everytime Morgan comes home for a visit, it feels like dad is back too.


I need a shower if I can stand. Uhg and I have girl scouts that I have to go to. Yay.

So yea, Im sure half the world knows by now, but Andy and I are on a break. It has been 9 wonderful months and we both need a little bit of space. So we agreed upon a break and everything will be ok. :)

Im not superly upset because we had a good talk, but of course the emptyness will still linger, even though I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. It'll just be hard to get over kissing him in te hallways and very little things that have gotten into a habit. Like holding hands n stuff like that. Lol, he told me that every time I kiss him, I have to give him a lollipop, and same goes the other way around. Even though I don't like lollipops, I'll still be content.




To Andy:

I love you and I promise that I always will




Update on last night: So I had the greatest time hanging out with Jenny and Andy and Kyle. Why? because they all slept over at my house! And Andy and I slept on my couch in my room ;) ;) And Jenny and Kyle, I dk if they slept. I know I did eventually. Teehee. I had so much fun, cause we 'watched' two movies. ;) Anyways, my tum tum hurts so Imma go take medicine! Yaaay! Jenny: Teehee

I just wish too much..





If you expect something to happen, does it happen?




Should I expect the best?
When what I expect isn’t what happens
People say never say never
But never always happens with me

There’s a certain degree that you can bend my emotion
I just wish I would stop crying when I think for myself
I cried myself an ocean that I drown in when I am alone
I assume too much, and I smile too little

Prone to judge before I know
Prone to act before I analyze
My ocean always grows
To see my ocean,
You would have to see with my eyes

There are things I have seen
Situations that would drive anyone insane
Peel them apart from the inside,
Make them ache for ever with pain

I try to hide, try to act like I am ok
I expect it to all become better
On a random day that I am awake
That everything will be so simple
Such a piece of cake

What I expect isn’t what is promised
I just assume that never will happen
Never say never and nothing will never happen






On a lighter note: I didnt fail any classes. And I get my passport in 4 weeks. My braces come off on June 29